♥ my thinking, my thoughts

Tuesday 29 July 2008

> 6:48:00 pm.

i cry, cos i love you
i cry, cos i miss you
i cry, cos its painful
i cry, cos its hard to forget
i cry, cos its over.

DORCAS, its over. ):

i love the way you patted my head ):

stoning again, its like wth! ):

please let me go

GIRLFRIEND, I NEED YOU! ):
WIFEY, I NEED YOU TOO! ):
I NEED THE BOTH OF YOU!

Monday 28 July 2008

> 6:32:00 pm.

ever thought of jumping off tallest buildings?

i ever thought of it. sometimes. not always.
scared of heights. yeah. if i were to stand on that tallest building. i will scream and cry. seriously.
i know God will pull me away. life still has to goes on no matter what circumstances. what i am going through now, is my greastest challenge. and i some how or rather have to face it and complete every single obstacle which was created far long ago by God himself. i guess he knows, i was going the wrong direction . but he pulled me out of that relationship which i didnt want it to end.

its hard to forget everything. but really, i dont want to forget you. thats cos, you left memories in me that was just memorable. its just too painful, to forget you. ):

4 years. its been 4 years. and its time to let go. its your choice. i have to follow your decision. what have i do? even if i still cling on to you. you and i know nothing will go on.

but you chose a good timing to let it. concentrate on your studies was so much more important now than me. prelims and o's are coming ahead. its time you work hard.

i could actually remember all the dates. can you?

one year two months and twentysix days, since we last got together gosh i actually counted. now its over.

4 years i have known you(ps)
4 years we were more than friends(ss)
will this eight years continue? being friends? very good friend?

that few hours of waiting at mrt station and below your house was really worth. cos it was just so quiet, all the memories we had flow back. esp below your house. time was mostly spend there. ):

mum, i am so sorry. making cry and so on. making you worry for 4 years. 4 YEARS. i know its been hard for you. i was such a great sinner in God's eyes. but still, you talked the sense out of me. whether to do it my way, or his way. but i have already decided, to follow God's way. you prayed hard for me. and if i repent now, God will forgive. i know that. God will help me out through the phase of letting it go.

Friday 25 July 2008

> 11:58:00 pm.

now, lost. STONING ALL THE TIME.
i feel so helpless. for now, i really do.

i want to hate you but i cant. 'cos i still love you
i want to trust you even more. but are you letting me do it?
but, i still love you.

i want to know what is going on with in your life.
but i know you wont tell me anything.
who am i to you? maybe a nobody
what you do, who you hang out with i dont know
but i will have my ways on finding out. good or bad, i dont know.
but still, i want to be that girl in your life.
to change you, change you to be better.
bring you much closer to God.

Wednesday 16 July 2008

> 8:05:00 pm.

130708sunday
church and out with mummy!
had breakfast with cell at yakun too! (:
andrew with his camera again. tsk

140708monday
only had two hours of school. GREAT. there isnt PD lesson. so i actually slept in a little before heading to school for Com skills lesson.

it was presentation day. so whole class had to wear formal. met louise at the mrt then we walked to class together. really very very hot! ): we were complaining. louise looks really smart man! hahas. my group doesnt need to present but we need to present the next week. how scaary man! after class was photo and more photos.

i only got a few, 'cos i used my phone.
the rest is with jean. i will get her to send me man! hahas

swimming in the evening. tough. swam with polo ball. do we look like we could swim balls?! no! felt unwell after a while.
i fell into the pool can! i was sitting with my back facing the pool. then the coach threw the ball over. i was so scared it will hit me so i scream and tried running away before we threw another ball. when i was trying to run away, i couldnt get up. so i ended up in pool. so everyone was laughing at me! hahahaha. it was funny anyway.

you can click to enlarge it to see. (:

150708tuesday
school as per usual. met tianfu at jurong east to take train to school. he make me go to jurong east. tsk!

COS was rather boring. didnt really listen. then was lunch. i didnt eat. cos i didnt feel like eating(as usual) then was dmd. there was flash practical test. i guess i am going to do badly. i really didnt know how to do at all la. i ask darren to help me do. actually we were just joking la! then was maths. as usual, boring la. cos we were still differentiation. i only scared for integration! i think i really need to get mr ganesan to teach me again. i could understand his teaching more la.

shortie post.

160708today
one hour of class then it was slack time. went to do project and stuff. but didnt really do much la. using the lappy the whole time. ate macs in tutorial room. nearly caught by one of the lecturers. maybe caught already but he didnt say anything. we kept changing room la. cos there was class using the room. rush here and there to clear our things was fun! hahaha.

i feel so lazy to blog!
so eveything is short short short!

Saturday 12 July 2008

> 11:12:00 pm.

100708thursday
school was just so normal nowadays. just thursday are the most tiring day among the rest of the days. yes, its till 6pm. how bad. lectures and tutorials are getting a bore. i have been sleeping in class and maybe day dreaming. now, i really couldnt be bothered about school. thought test and exams are important, i know i have to do well. if not, there goes. i have to repeat year 1 again. and i dont really want to spend 4 years in poly. its so much like secondary school life. i rather spend another 4 years in fmss then in poly now. sucks man. if i did any better, i would have gone to SP doing my creative media. but, in this course, i love the multimedia part but so not loving the infocomm part.

didnt really end the day well. after hearing my java results, i couldnt take it anymore. i knew i would get that kind of marks. please, i dont understand java. skipped training, because i am bleeding profusely. its worse than other months can. i think its because of the things i am going through now. its really painful. both the stomach and the heart. trained home with the others. it started raining when i was just about to reach home. how lucky i was was that, i had shelter all the way home. the thing is its a super long long way. but to keep dry, i have to walk the long way. at least i would be able to take time to take a deep breathe to smell the rain. its long since i smell the rain. i miss it. and its just so so nice to sleep at that kind of time. in my comfy bed, under my warm blanket. maybe with tigger around? (i miss you) how lovely.

mum was shocked when she found out i didnt go training. tsk. she knows and she expects me to sit there and stare at them train when connie isnt going? no no no, mum.

110708friday
one month ago was his birthday

as usual school again. math tutorial was just such a bore. i just felt like sleeping! ): then, was dmd. heard there was practical test next week. i so going to flung it la. i cant do flash, for goodness sake la. even though its open book, i still cant make it. it was practice, but i just couldnt do it. i practical slack the whole 2 hours. how smart la.

lunch was rather okay. i ate! (you can relax) she and i talked about things. private stuff. things that really annoy us. but still, we are all friends. sry, i really want forgiveness. i was misunderstood. but we tried talking things out, but it got worse. so we didnt bother. i said a little prayer for her and for myself. cos what i said was really unpleasant to His ears. so i really had to repent and ask for forgiveness.
God, i really hope you will continue to heal her heart and change her thinking.

after school, headed her gb with pau. i nearly fell, and valentia was laughing at me la. though she didnt see what happen. but i told her. then she started laughing like no one's business. ): she keep asking me to rewind the scene when i cant even do what i did la. how to rewind?! we spend the time in LT. then ms ong pass us the list for the handover. shall no reveal anything. but i didnt really make any suggestions. cos, i dont know anything! soon, was dismissal.

met nette for chapelthon.
glad to attend it. if not, things wouldnt get any better. i cried, real hard. but both nette and yulian was there. i hugged yulian really real long. cos i really felt like crying all out. nette and yulian has been there this few weeks after that has happen. thanks alot man!

went home after that. bused with nette and yulian to dover station. met norman. then we three trained to jurong east. then the two of them left me. and they went dating. :x roar. nette left me for him. ): he sms-ed me. of course i replied. then suddelnly never already. ):

120708today
home whole day. woke up at 11. what a pig. tried doing work. but not good enough.

BORING!
JUST PLAIN BORING!

dad came home from work and we went out for dinner.
went vivo city to get shoes for my presentation. formal wear. and brother got his wallet. went to starbucks to have a break and soon came home to settle the shoe stuff.

now blogging and watching teevee.
mum cant find the black shawl from nepal! how sad. finding it tml morning. so i can wear to church tml.

i miss you, still

{/edit}
nette's blog has all the photos. from vivo city to funfair and that one picture from chapelthon.

NETTE SEND ME SOON! and continue sending the zoo pics can?

Wednesday 9 July 2008

> 9:37:00 pm.

i wish i could hold on to your hands again.

Monday 7 July 2008

> 10:09:00 pm.

050708saturday
FMSS FUNFAIR. hell lots of fun. maybe just a bit. i keep clinging on to yulian. i always bumped into mum and brother. tsk. maybe fmss is just too small? nah. its just a school. lovely school,i will say. met up with the rest. belly's nephew is super cute can. while waiting her to come back. jireh came up and asked where was my brother. where else can he be, my friend? in school, wearing orange and with my mum. i tell you he really blends in with the PIE ppl when he is in the hall. i wonder how ralene knew jireh or jireh knew ralene. ARH! ITS THE SAME! i didnt ask. yulian was curious too. brother bought cold soba. the one that jireh ate. the soup was cold and nice. i didnt want to walk there cos ahem ahem. yeah. i wanted to see ahem badly. yeah. so me and yulian just tried standing there. but i cant turn my body. it will get too obvious. met pau and she give me presents! raining! how bad. everyone seems to be disappearing. nette and hwing came. den chris and yulian disappeared. i was having gastric so we went to buy foood. horrible food i ate. we sat at lovely courtyard to eat. while waiting for the rest to come find us(nette, hwing, me).

KABOOM! (not exactly explode la.)
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO DORCAS
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU."

i was super shock can. it was the dwarfs. singing that song to me. with one balloon and presents. i wanted balloons. and there it was. they gave 6 pieces of paper and asked me to fixed them up. it say"HAPPY BIRTHDAY DORCAS" with many wierd pictures. with many words. each piece they wrote a letter to me. how sweet. they got me 3 presents. one tigger handphone holder. which wenxi used up the whole roll of scotch tape. and poor tigger was wrapped up like a ball. the other was that "ah ma wallet" thats what my brother calls it. but i call it the pik piang bag. and the last one was the pencil box from 37degrees. nette knew i want those. and she said go back next week. i dont need to go back cos they bought it for me. how lovely. wenxi wrapping skills can FAIL! den we continue walking round the funfair in fmss side. played games. saw esther and alithea. still wanting to see him badly. i just suddenly cry at the spot in the middle of the field. how embarrassing. he came over. didnt talk. wth. I DID HENNA! i saw xue lao shi and aunty kit yee with kai kai! many familiar faces.

i knew something like this would happen. memories will still flow back. i knew it!
THANK YOU DWARFS. I LOVE YOU GUYS LIKE CRAZY!

060608sunday
church. didnt look up for the rest. sry. not in the mood to see you guys. came home and used the lappy and off to SPGG for beading class. i made a new necklace. by myself. how nice. came home and went out to grandma house. grandma is always just so cute. i seem to love her more each time i meet her. went out for dinner. just because of brother and his soccer. tsk. came home and i had to do ppt for com skill. i had to do it all on my own. talked to sop and told her everything. yeah. it hurts. BADLY. i started crying in front of the lappy. mum saw me crying and thought i was crying over my ppt. diao can. slept at 12am la!

070708today
poned PD. was so tired. and i had to rush my ppt. headed her school. and everyone was so buxy with ppt. and i was sitting there slacking la. i didnt know what to do. i was trying to get sick so i can go home after java! but sadly i cant. so i continue school. didnt want to do the presentation. cos there is only two of us. but in the end both of us join another group to present. it waas just a practicce la. came home and slept and off to swimming already. ):

goodness. i cried in the middle of the canteen when i see connie. the unknown guys was like " what happen ah?" "dont know" "she just suddenly cry" thanks alot man unknown guys. cried badly. i decided to tell mum about it. and i did. i brave was i. but i cried over the phone. at least mummy would be there like the dwarfies. mum said a prayer over the phone and told me to go for swimming. so i went.

coacch found me crying. and didnt relly said anything. sometimes he can be nice. and "year7" guy saw me with my eyes red. ): how embarrasing!
coach: you cry ah?
dorcas: *nod my head*
coach: go swim.
like what the!!! so i just swim lor.

swimming ended early. at 7.25. cos they want more time for polo.
coach: what happen?
dorcas: *shake my head* x2
coach: den why waterfall?
dorcas: *shake my head* x2

i of course dont want to tell him la. -__-

Friday 4 July 2008

> 9:22:00 pm.

why do i start to feel so bad after a little nap on the bed?
once i woke up, i felt so overwhelmed by the situation. its like drowning me.

what would happen when i am going to step in fairfield again tml?
i really dont know. maybe all the things that happened will slowly flow back into my mind.
i didnt care whether is happy memories or sad memories. as long as its with you. all the memories will come back to mind.

i wish you could think a little more.
maybe i was just stressing you out.
its okay, if you give me cold shoulder.
for now, i will try to understand.

as he kisses her,

she could really feel the love all around.

how lovely

> 5:21:00 pm.

020708wednesday
met up with nette after school. we deicided to go vivo instead of dailyscoop and island creamery. because i ate it the day before. we talked. and i saw that wallet i wanted. but super ex. but still i want it! we went to superdog to have lunch. then we headed upstairs to walk around. 37degrees it was. wallets and pencil boxes are so nice. i want them all. nette say we shall come back next week. we went to children's playground. took photos. didnt actually wanted to. but nette made me smile. thanks to the playground. i had two blue black on the sides of my thighs. and of course, i fell! nette had to meet norman. gosh,norman again! :x so both of us left vivo and went our own ways. tsk.

nette say:

"IN ORDER TO MAKE A CHANGE IN YOUR BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS, CHANGE MUST FIRST START IN YOUR HEART"

030708thursday
school was horrendous! starting was java. and was two hours. it will never ever make my day. worse, i am in a horrible mood. but it turn out to be only about 30 to 45mins. because, lecturer walked out of the class. we were to noisy. and he hasnt finish teaching! anyway i wont understand java. he wont teach that topic again!

i burst out crying after that. and i had to push louis away to get out of the lecture theatre as soon as tears pour out. sorry man! so i just stand outside and just started crying. the girls came and comfort me. they told me their stories. telling me what to. the guys came over to comfort too. they tried making me smile. but i just couldnt. i tried. i was alright after that.

had maths lecture and soon was 2 hour lunch break. went out to eat. we walked to jubilee shopping centre that area to eat and walked back too. weather was super hot! then it was 4 hours of tutorial. database and java. how boring. worse,i was alone.

as the hours pass,it ended! and i headed to sports complex for training. met with connie first. i saw long hair specky guy and i gave him i fright. he asked me twice what course am i in. wierdo. SAME COURSE! went to get change. but dear connie didnt. there, her turn. boyfriend. tsk. she doesnt have the mood. and me feeling so unwell. i couldnt swim either. and we saw 'year7' guy outside. we couldnt decide whether to go. so we went to sports hall. and sit and stare. den we decided to go home. cos her boyfriend seems to threatening her. and i tell hers is super wierd. so contridicting! called mama. to tell her i not going training. so we all went home. talked at the train platform. cos she didnt want to go home. so we talked about what was going within us and just give advices to each other. soon we had to part. ):

came home and watch teevee.
weekiat wish to see my hamster. -__- (my hamster face.)

040708today
school. maths tutorial started the day just nice. not too bad. sad for my math grade! horrendous. weekiat came and sit with me. and was jealous about my grades. :x its just as bad can! then was dmd. was really alone! and dmd was a little difficult at the ending. i think i would be able to complete by next week. hope i can.

break. had lunch. super hungry.

COS was quite a bore. did tutorial worksheet. joethy and i found a way to get the answers but not write out. is to just put the chapter and pg no. isnt it easier? how smart! then we went exploring internet and sleeping. den was home home home. came home alone of course.

God, please tell me if this was meant to be a challenge.
good points,
>I STILL HAVE TO MOVE ON!
>laugh and i will be able to forget my sorrows.

i will continue to pray for God's guidance.

THANK YOU YULIAN FOR THAT PRAYER YOU WROTE FOR ME IN THE POSTCARD

Wednesday 2 July 2008

> 10:41:00 pm.

can you be mine again?

i cried every night. till next morning i get heavy eye bags and triple eyelids. you can imagine how badly i cried.

i dont even have the mood to listen in class, to eat, to even talk to my friends.

sry, i must say. I STILL DO.

but i still wonder why do you still care so much and yet still unsure?
did you ever wish we never met? did you even regret?
please reply me via sms if you have read this question.

how much i love you is that i could even die for you.

like what i said,(few post back)
i wish waters could drown me
blah
blah
blah

> 8:47:00 pm.

i just wish i had someone to hug.
i just wish i had someone to cry to.
i just wish i had a shoulder to lie on.

(like you always did)

i love you still.

> 8:09:00 pm.

I JUST FEEL LIKE PON-ING SCHOOL TML!
thanks yulian for the postcard
thanks nette for accompaning me and made me smile

bt once i came home. i was not smiling anymore.
i want to. please give me back my smile. please.

Tuesday 1 July 2008

> 6:40:00 pm.

290608sunday
had sandcastle making at east coast park with church youths. it was fun. and also my first time building. i got burnt. slightly only. benita and i wanted to cycle after that. but decided not. since we paid two bucks for the bus ride. so we took the bus back to church.

had lunch with mummy and headed down to jurong east to get my new laptop bag and laptop fan. then went to jurong library to get books. mum did not me. i just needed to pay the fines. THEY ARE REALLY OUTSTANDING.

came home and tried doing PD. half way done but there is still more. cos i was busy watching tv and doing work at the same time. Chronicals Of Narnia was showing! i finally got to watch it. but still havent got to watch Prince Caspian. tsk.

slept early. and i cried till my whole pillow got wet. ):

300608monday
school starts officially. cos last week i had common test. so it was kind of a break. totally emo-ing. couldnt concentrate cos i was thinking deeply about things. bad things. slept during com skill. how smart. and i went home alone. being alone, listening to music, just makes me want to cry more.

went for training. while training, cried. but i hide away not letting the others know. but till the end, i couldnt take it anymore. i just let it all out. so i had to stop swimming. the others was asking if i was. but i lied. i wasnt. connie knows i am not okay. i headed home as quick as possible and came online to tell nette about it. i mean what happen during swimming. we planned to meet to talk things out.

010708today
nette wokke me up and told me we cant meet. so we might be meeting tml

school as usual. boring. did had lunch. i didnt have the appetide at all la! dmd was rather okay. i did my work quite fast. good. then was math. i have learnt it before. so it was quite slack for me. got someone to get food for me. cos i was really hungry already. came home with the rest and decided to take a bus back in case i cry in public. ):

during dmd, nette send me this msg cos i told her i just feel like crying and not in a mood to do anything

"be strong and courageous! for ther is a power far greater on out side! we have the Lord,Our God to help us fight this battles for us!"2Chronicles 32:7-8
there is someone greater to fight your battles for you. you are not alone, dorcas. God loves you so so, much. confide in Him. i love you too.(:

thanks alot nette.

came home and azizi talked to me.

Azizi - Vocal and Beats- www.misunderstoodsoul.blogspot.com said:
yeah i realised you lost your smile totally
i have lost my smile said:
yeah

and indeed i did. i noticed long ago.

i lost my smile. and i want it back. but only you could get my smile back.

i wish waters could drown me
i wish cars could hit me
i wish i could drink till i get drunk
why am i thinking of doing this? ):

God, help me to be strong